In order to understand the significance of the parshiyot before us, we need to go all the way back to the beginning. To the beginning of mankind, as laid out in parshat Breishit, and the creation of man’s “partner” in this world – his wife.

The Torah tells us that when God created Chava from Adam’s rib, Adam said, “זאת הפעם עצם מעצמי, ובשר מבשרי – This (Chava) is the one! She is bone of my bone, and flesh of my flesh…” and then the Torah tells us, “על-כן, יעזב-איש, את-אביו, ואת-אמו; ודבק באשתו – Therefore, a man leaves the house of his father and mother and connects with his wife”

Therefore?

What does the Torah mean when it says “therefore”? What is the connection between the fact that Chava was taken from Adam’s rib to the fact that people leave their parents’ homes to get married? There is the obvious connection between the psukim; they both deal with the topic of the connection between man and woman, but why “therefore”? “Therefore” implies that people leave their parents in order to get married because Chava was taken from Adam’s rib.

In order to understand this concept, we must first analyze the pasuk more closely. The pasuk doesn’t only say, “Therefore a person connects to his wife” but “Therefore a person leaves the house of his father and mother and connects to his wife.” What is the process of leaving your parents’ house? As children we are all spoiled, we are given everything we need by our parents. When we are born, we are literally nourished from our mothers and as we grow older and older we slowly transition into a state of self-sufficiency. But, when we are born and while we live in our parents’ home we are takers. We are given everything we need and we, rightly, take it. But, in order to properly enter into a relationship with another human being (the paradigm of human relationship is that of a man and his wife) we must change this nature and grow up. We must “leave the house of our father and mother and cease to be takers.

We must become givers.

The Torah is telling us that in order for a person to have a successful marriage, friendship, or any other type of relationship, he or she must be a giver. This is what is meant by “Therefore a person leaves the house of his father and mother”, just as Chava – the first woman and first interpersonal relationship for mankind – was created through an act of giving – the giving of Adam’s rib – so too all future interpersonal relationship must come from a place of giving. So we must read the pasuk as follows:

“Just as Adam gave of himself to build his relationship with his wife, so too a person must leave the taker-mentality of his youth and become a giver.”

Now, armed with this concept, we can fully understand what is going on in the story of mankind from Gan Eden to Avraham.

When mankind was first created we were like a baby, completely and directly nourished from our parent, God, and with no responsibilities whatsoever. In fact, in the first account of the creation of man (Breishit 1:26) man is given free reign to eat as they please without restriction. The restriction of not eating from the tree of knowledge only comes in the second account of man’s creation (Breishit 2:17).  And interestingly enough this restriction is recorded immediately prior to the creation of Chava, when God says “It is not good for man to be alone…” This shows us that there is a development of mankind. At the outset of creation, we were like a baby, a neccesary stage in the development process, but then God wants to help us grow and develop to the next stage of development, by restricting our taking-mentality and telling us not to take one thing. This leads into the creation of the first relationship. Perhaps we can say this is the toddler stage.

However, mankind was unable to curb the taking-mentality and we ate from the tree of knowledge and God “takes us out of our Father’s house” in order to work the land and force us to become givers as opposed to takers. Mankind continues to struggle with this concept and eventually the uncurbed taker-mentality leads to the generation of the flood, the epitome of takers. Rashi tells us that the judgement of that generation was sealed by the fact that they were robbers. This seems odd, being that robbery is usually regarded as a lower level then murder or other evils which were committed by that generation. But according to our understanding it makes perfect sense, robbery is the taker-mentality par excellence – it is the exact opposite of being a giver. A giver gives things to people who may not deserve them, a thief takes things which he does not deserve.

So again, God “takes us out of our Father’s house” and puts Noach into a boat where he does one thing for the entire year. Gives to others. He spends the entire year feeding the animals and nourishing the entire world. The way to repair the taker-mentality is to give. Noach is the beginning of mankind’s journey into adulthood. From being a taker, to being a giver. The world is recreated, in a way, but this time mankind has contributed to that creation by being a giver. This is a new leaf for mankind.

The final stage of our development comes in the form of Avraham. Avaraham was the epitome of a giver. Chazal tell us, “The attribute of Chessed said, ‘As long as Avraham was in this world, I did not have to perform my job for Avraham took my place.'” Why was Avraham the ultimate embodiment of Chessed – or giving – in this world? Because, although Noach brought us into adulthood and took us from being a takers to givers – to the level of ” ודבק באשתו – connected to his wife” (ie. engaged in a giving relationship), Avraham took us to the next level.

The final level of being a giver, the level of Avraham, is giving of oneself to not only sustain another (like Noach, by feeding the animals in the ark) but to actually give in order to create. Hence, the pasuk continues “והיו לבשר אחד – and they should be as one flesh”, Rashi explains that this refers to their child, “הולד נוצר על ידי שניהם, ושם נעשה בשרם אחד – the fetus is a product of the two of them, and that is  ‘one flesh'”. Creating by giving is the highest level of the giver-mentality. This is directly related to the concept of emulating God. So, how do you “give in order to create”? The Torah describes what Avraham did, “ואת-הנפש, אשר-עשו בחרן – the souls that they [Avraham and Sarah] created in Charan”  Rashi explains that by teaching and bringing people closer to God, “מעלה עליהם הכתוב כאלו עשאום – the Torah makes it as if they created them”. By teaching others and giving to them spiritually it is as if we created them. Just like God put man’s soul into the body in order to create, so to we can help someone bring their soul into their body and help create them.

Now that we have a more complete understanding of the development of a person and of mankind as a whole. Let’s revisit our first pasuk,

“על-כן, יעזב-איש, את-אביו, ואת-אמו; ודבק באשתו, והיו לבשר אחד – Therefore, a man leaves the house of his father and mother and connects with his wife and they become one flesh.”

We can divide this pasuk into three sections,

1. A man leaves the house of his mother and father – which refers to abandoning the necessary taker-mentality of our youth and becoming givers. It also refers to the process of development from Adam to Noach.
2. and connects with his wife – which refers to becoming a giver and the development of a proper attitude toward human relationships. It also refers to Noach in the ark, a level of physical giving and sustaining others.
3. and they become one flesh – which refers to the highest level of giving, giving which directly emulates God’s giving – the giving of creation. It refers to Avraham and Sarah’s ‘creating souls in Charan’, or a spiritual giving of teaching and bring others closer to God (and therefore ‘creating’ them).

OK, so now, let’s get practical. What does all this mean for our lives? I would like to offer 3 practical things we can all do to embody these ideas and hopefully reach the highest level of giving and emulating God.

1. Stop being a taker – Realize that although it was a necessary stage of your development to be a taker, as we grow up it is important to slowly move away from this mentality and…
2. Give to others – next time you get up to get yourself a cup of water or a snack, get one for someone else also. You have two hands for a reason. You don’t have to be a 100% giver, but at least whenever your think about yourself, think about other people and…
3. Don’t look down on other people – The main reason that we don’t share with others is that we feel that they don’t deserve something as much as we do. That they are lower than we are. If I look at myself as being equal to others there is no reason that I deserve something more than my friend.

Through these practical steps, I know that all of us can abandon our taker-mentality, become givers and merit the highest level of giving, that of creation through spiritual giving.

 

These ideas are a combination of Torah ideas that I heard from two of my Rebbes, Rav Avigdor Neventzahl and Rabbi Chaim Eisenstein. I am forever indebted to them for making me who I am through their teaching and spiritual guidance.